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Led By His Hand

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From JOAB
Coming in the Fall of 2012

October, 1868
Oxford, Mississippi

Dearest Mama,

… I have read, and as you have taught me, living in the past is much like reliving sins committed, which is highly discouraged by the Apostle Paul, and I want you to know I’m trying to search for a better way. As we spoke while sitting on the swing before I left, I desire to live in the spirit of restoration and healing. The war left our country in shambles, and I think the Lord would be pleased if I help restore what was taken away. 

I could not be doing this if you had not said the things you did and allowed me to vent my frustrations with what has been going on for years now. We had so much heart. And so much of that is either gone or waning. I know that bitterness slows healing of the old wounds and at all hazards I intend to dispense with my portion of that.

I took Will and Aggie back with me to Shiloh for a purpose. I’ve learned much from Aggie about facing the trials and heartaches the war brought. We were left with the same lonesome emptiness that comes with the loss of a father. And we have each found ways to cope. Mind you, I did not say we have gotten over, but that we have come through, and in so doing, we each search for ways to help Will. That is not an easy task. 

Mother, Will was one of the men who ran to the Bloody Pond of Shiloh, bullet-ridden and battle weary, to soothe the multiple wounds to his body.  He was hit in his legs and the side of his head. When they brought Aggie's pa in to the makeshift hospital that was Shiloh Church, there was not a chance he would live. He lay beside Will, telling him everything that happened on the Sunken Road, at the Hornet's Nest where he fell. They took him to Oxford to the Union hospital set up in the Lyceum the next morning, but he died before any of his family could get to him. 

Understandably, Will has a root of bitterness that may be killing him. Pray that I can speak some words of wisdom that will uproot and replace. My hope was to help with the hard work, the physical, which I am doing, but as you know, I expressed a desire to invest in the real treasure loss that came with the war—the very heart of the people. I am getting many opportunities.

I will be home by Thanksgiving and I do not know one day past that particular Thursday. I wish to be led by His hand or not at all, for only as the Lord leads will it be a worthy endeavor.

I want to see you and Sam as bad as I’ve ever wanted anything. I work hard to turn aside long and lonely nights which I could not otherwise endure. I will post another letter when I receive more pay. Do not worry yourselves, for I am well fed and when in the company of Miss Aggie Stephens, I am supremely happy, though I know not what will become of that.

Hold fast to each other and know that I am ever your son,
Joab B. Payne



Jane Bennett Gaddy, Ph.D.
Trinity, Florida
Faithful Sons Trilogy—
The Mississippi Boys (2008)
Isaac's House (2011) 
Joab (scheduled for Fall of 2012)


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